I was looking for some articles on toddler behavior and had come cross this interesting article on Building confident in your child in Baby centre.
The article mentioned that “Children under three crave our attention, and if it is easier to get it when they are naughty, then they will be naughty. It just happens that way, because actions that lead to a desired result tend to be repeated. But there is a price. If the way he gains our attention emphasises our negative views of him this lowers his self-esteem and the confidence he has in himself.” These happen to Gabby, especially during changing of her diaper and get her to wear her clothes after bath. These things will get only get done after much shouts and occasionally some canning.
In ending, it says "In the long run a child with confidence and self-esteem will be better behaved as well as more likely to stretch himself to his full potential.”
Not sure if it works on Asian children, but The HONs are going to a try. *fingers cross*
Why confidence matters
It is easier for a child to feel confident when they feel competent and easier to feel competent when other people praise what they do. Children blossom when the adults they care about like what they do. We could, of course, write this the other way around. It is easier for a child to be competent when they feel confident and easier to feel confident when other people have confidence in them. Children blossom when we expect them to blossom. They sink when no one expects them to swim.
Adults and older children can put on a show of confidence even when they do not actually feel confident, but small children cannot do this. What you see is what they feel. Adults can pretend that failure does not matter and can talk themselves into believing that something is less important to them than it actually is -- but small children cannot. What they can do is bounce right back from failure and criticism unless that failure and criticism is persistent, in which case the elastic starts to get a little slack. Because the habits we form as small children often follow us through life, persistent criticism and persistent failure can set the mould for the rest of his life.
The power of belief
Believe in your child. Always think that he 'can' because what you project to him (knowingly or unknowingly) really does influence what he can do. Research suggests that boys are better readers in classes in which teachers believe boys learn to read sooner, while girls are the better readers in classes where teachers believe that girls do better. If teachers exert such influences in the year they teach a child, think how much benefit (or damage) a parent could do. In another study one group of children were repeatedly told they were good at maths and another group that they should be better -- guess which group did better in the maths tests at the end of the year?
How to convey your belief
• Tell your child he is special -- 'You are the very best Jamie in the whole world'.
• Tell him he can -- 'That is really hard, but I think you can do it'.
• Appreciate his efforts -- 'That was really hard and I know you tried your very best. You get a big, big T for trying'.
• Look for the good -- 'Those silly socks again -- but you got the pants, T-shirt and the trousers right!'.
• Expect -- 'I expect you to pick up that puzzle'.
• Thank him -- 'Thank you for putting the toys away'.
Building self-esteem
Because a child's view of himself is partly a reflection of the views other people have of him, the view you project as his parent is very important. In the days when most children lived in large extended families with brothers, sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and neighbours all interacting with a child the negative views of one doubter probably carried less weight than it does today.
Not all parents who love their children make this clear to them. Nor do parents always balance criticism with praise. Busy lives mean we often use the times children are being good to do the tasks we need to do. In effect, we ignore them when they are good. Because we cannot get on with our own things when children are naughty we inadvertently give more attention to bad behaviour.
Children under three crave our attention, and if it is easier to get it when they are naughty, then they will be naughty. Your child does not sit down and think to himself, 'If I am naughty Mum will stop making phonecalls' anymore than you think, 'If I give him attention when he is disruptive he will become more disruptive'. It just happens that way, because actions that lead to a desired result tend to be repeated. But there is a price. If the way he gains our attention emphasises our negative views of him this lowers his self-esteem and the confidence he has in himself.
To help build your child's self-esteem:
Always:
• Give regular attention to good behaviour -- a smile, a pat on the head, a 'That looks great' is all that's needed.
• Try to ignore bad behaviour. Don't shout -- either walk away or put on a stony face, pick him up and put him outside the room. When he comes back into the room (which he is allowed to do) tell him how glad you are that he has decided to be good.
• Criticise the behaviour not the child -- 'Pinching is a naughty thing to do' not, 'You are a naughty boy'. The first version leaves his self-esteem intact, the second runs it down.
• Keep a running tally of praise and criticism -- and make sure the praise is always in the lead.
• Use carrots generously and sticks frugally. They both work, but carrots build esteem and sticks deplete it. In the long run a child with confidence and self-esteem will be better behaved as well as more likely to stretch himself to his full potential.
Never, never:
• Call him names or run him down.
• Let others call him names or run him down.
• Forget to tell him you love him to bits.
How to encourage competence
• Expect it.
• Praise it.
• Say, 'I know you will try your best'.
• Say, 'I know that you tried really hard'.
• Break tasks down into manageable chunks and work with him so that he does the bits he can do.
• Help him in unobtrusive ways. For example, if you put his T-shirt face down on the bed he is more likely to put it on the right way round.
• Push gently -- when he can do a puzzle with four pieces give him one with six then 10 then 15. If he cannot manage 15 pieces then find one with 12.
• Let him know that you make mistakes: 'Silly Mummy -- look what she has done. Now I am going to have to start all over again. I hate that'.
• Let him know you sometimes need encouragement: 'I think I need a Jamie cuddle'.
Reference: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/toddler/development/stimulating/confident/
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